What Not to Try in Your Marriage: Avoiding Common Pitfalls
What Not to Try in Your Marriage: Avoiding Common Pitfalls
Let’s be honest: marriage is far from the perfect picture we sometimes see on TV. It’s more like trying to cook a pot of amala—things can get messy, and you’ve got to stir carefully or risk burning the whole pot. I may not be married yet (still in the 'finding my person' phase, you know), but trust me, I’ve witnessed enough love stories to know that marriage is both sweet and challenging. It’s a lot like juggling; sometimes you're on point, and other times, you end up dropping all the balls. But that’s what makes it real.
In the beginning, it’s all smiles and love letters—those moments when your partner can do no wrong. But as time passes, the reality of everyday life sets in, and suddenly, you’re having a full-blown debate about whether the fan should be on or off in the middle of the night. Marriage isn’t just about grand declarations of love; it’s about navigating the small, everyday moments that either keep the bond strong or make it crack.
So, while I haven’t yet made the leap into 'we’re in this for life' territory, I’ve learned a thing or two from friends and family who are navigating the beautiful chaos of marriage. Based on all the advice I’ve gathered, here are some things you definitely should not try in your marriage. Whether you’re married or just starting to think about it, this guide might save you from a few sleepless nights—or at least a heated argument about the amala preparation process.
1. Don’t Bring Up The Ex (Ever)
This one is a no-brainer, but you'd be surprised how many people still make this mistake. Nothing ruins a marriage faster than comparing your partner to a past lover. Imagine telling your spouse, “Well, my ex always knew how to make jollof rice.” First of all, who even does that? The moment those words leave your mouth, prepare for crater-level damage. Even if you’re just reminiscing about the past, your partner will start wondering, "What exactly did I sign up for here?" Remember, there’s no place for the ex in your marriage, except when you're learning from mistakes (and, trust me, that's a whole different conversation).
I’ve heard of one couple where the husband casually brought up how his ex used to "keep the house organized," only for his wife to launch into a two-hour very detailed explanation of how she’s been holding down the household like a boss. You can imagine how that night went—trust me, it wasn’t a scene from a romantic comedy.
2. Trying To Change Each Other
Marriage isn't about playing the role of “change agent.” It’s about growing together and accepting each other for who you are. Sure, it’s tempting to want your partner to stop leaving the socks all over the house or always “accidentally” stealing the last piece of chicken, but remember, you married them for a reason. Trying to change someone fundamentally can lead to frustration and resentment. Besides, the only time “changing” your partner should happen is when you help them evolve into a better version of themselves—nothing drastic, just a little tweaking here and there (maybe a cooking class, a little time management lesson, or a couple of Netflix suggestions).
Imagine this: I’ve heard of a situation where a wife tried to “reprogram” her husband into someone who enjoyed gardening. She went all out—gifted him gardening tools, set up a flower bed in the backyard. By week two, he was Googling "how to fake interest in plants" and considering sending her a “thank you” card for the gift of ‘peaceful silence’ when he pretended to enjoy it. It didn’t work, and now they have a beautiful flower bed that he “appreciates” from the kitchen window. Moral of the story: Don’t try to force hobbies on each other, it’s better to discover things together.
3. Holding Onto Grudges
Make we no lie give ourselves: we all have our moments where we’re a bit stubborn. But holding onto grudges for too long? That’s like trying to carry a heavy basket of yam on your head for a mile—it’s exhausting and pointless. Every time you bring up something your spouse did last year (or ten years ago), you're not only digging up old bones, but you’re also planting seeds of bitterness that can ruin your marriage. Trust me, no one wins in that situation. Instead, have a conversation, let things go, and work on moving forward together. After all, there’s no real love without forgiveness.
I’ve seen a couple where they’d argue about something from the first year of their marriage, and when the argument would resurface, they’d both start pulling out old receipts—"Remember when you forgot my birthday, and I had to buy my own cake?” It got to a point where the “birthday argument” became an annual affair. Don’t let that happen to you.
4. Pretending Everything Is Fine When It’s Not
We’ve all done it: putting on a brave face, saying everything is “okay,” when in reality, you’re struggling with something. The problem with this is that it breeds misunderstanding and emotional distance. Communication is the backbone of any successful marriage, so when something is bothering you, speak up. Bottling things up will only turn a small issue into a big one. And it’s not about screaming at each other—don’t do that—but about calmly talking through your issues. Remember, no one is a mind reader, so help your partner understand what you’re feeling before things explode like a pressure cooker.
A friend of mine once told me about a small misunderstanding she had with her husband. She’d been upset about him not helping out more around the house but didn’t say anything. She expected him to just know. Weeks went by, and by the time she finally said something, he was so confused, he thought she was upset over something entirely different—like the fact that he once used her spoon to stir the tea (it’s a thing, apparently). Keep communication open before misunderstandings make you both question your sanity.
5. Ignoring Intimacy
Intimacy is more than just a romantic moment in the bedroom; it’s the little things that keep the connection alive—holding hands, hugs, kisses, and those “I’m thinking about you” texts. Over time, marriage can slip into routine, and intimacy may fall to the back burner. But keeping that spark alive is crucial. Just like a plant, if you don’t water it, it will wither away. Make time for your partner, not just on special dates but in the small, everyday moments. Take a walk together. Share inside jokes. It’s the small acts of affection that keep love from becoming “just another task on the to-do list.”
One couple I know started a tradition where they’d have a weekly date night, no kids, no distractions. The first time they did it, they ended up laughing over a shared plate of plantain and dodo. You’d think it was a gourmet dinner based on how happy they were. It’s simple, but that time spent just being with each other—away from the children, the bills, and the hustle—keeps their bond solid. If you're always in “to-do mode,” you might find that intimacy slips away unnoticed.
6. Keeping Secrets
In marriage, secrets aren’t just dangerous—they can be a deal-breaker. Whether it’s something trivial (like hiding how much you spent on clothes last weekend) or something more serious (like avoiding a conversation about your finances), keeping things to yourself will erode trust over time. Trust is the foundation of a strong marriage, and when that trust is compromised, it can take years to rebuild. No one is perfect, but being transparent, open, and honest is vital to maintaining a healthy relationship. If something’s on your mind, talk about it—preferably before it becomes that secret.
There was a couple I knew where the husband had secretly started taking out loans to cover unexpected expenses. He thought it wouldn’t affect his wife. Fast forward a few months, and when his wife found out, it was like opening a Pandora’s box. Turns out, the secret wasn’t the financial issue—it was the fact that he’d kept it from her.
7. Letting External Opinions Control Your Relationship
You love your family, and so does your spouse, but let’s face it—sometimes, everyone thinks they know best about your marriage. Whether it’s mom suggesting your wife should “be more like your aunt” or friends telling you that your husband should be the one to handle all the household chores, external opinions can stir the pot in ways that don’t help. Every marriage is unique, and while advice can be helpful, no one knows your relationship better than you and your partner. Keep the outsiders out of your inner circle. Yes, you can ask for help when you need it, but in the end, it’s your relationship to nurture.
A couple I know had to learn this the hard way. Everyone in the husband's family believed he should be the one to manage the household finances, while his wife thought she was capable and had the experience. After a few heated discussions with family members on both sides, they decided to take a break from the “family advice” and focus on what worked best for them. It was a hard lesson, but it made them stronger.
Conclusion
Marriage isn’t a walk in the park, but it can be an amazing journey if you’re both committed to it. Avoiding these pitfalls can help keep the love alive and the bond strong. Relationships require work, patience, and above all, respect. If you can master the art of communication, understanding, and forgiveness, you’ll be well on your way to building a lasting partnership.
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